Instead of counting costs and searching for survivors after their most recent earthquake, desperate Kiwis have instead whipped out the old measuring tape, rowed the ditch and discovered that the latest seismic shudder off their South Island has shunted New Zealanders 30cm closer to being officially called Aussies.

The only good news is that the South Island is moving faster than the North Island. That means by 45,678 AD Sydneysiders have to worry about Christchurch folk swapping their snow skiis and invading Circular Quay a lot sooner then we have to worry about Auckland’s Sky Tower ruining our views of Moreton Bay.

Not that I’m opposed to NZ becoming our 7th state, but doesn’t it feel like while we’re tied up debating whether or not to let them into our federation they’re stealthy populating us, in turn making Australia their third Island? Forget earthquakes, that darn Sir Dickie Branson and his Virgin have made flying far too cheap.

New Zealand is a good place now that the National Party runs the country, but if we let them get too close Aussies might want Proportional Representation in the lower house and may even consider citizen initiated referendum.

On the upside the merger of land masses would give the Queensland Labor Government (supposing Anna Bligh holds on as long as it felt Peter Beattie did) another reason to amalgamate a whole heap of disparate communities. Hamilton (one hour south of Auckland and should make land fall somewhere near Coolangatta) will probably arrive only to find themselves administered by Mackay.

Look, I’m from Logan and long before now have gotten used to the ‘fush and chups’ twang. Geeze, I grew up in Marsden where the Hakka was performed at assembly every week, but fair shake of the sauce bottle, inducing an earthquake in an attempt to cozy up is not a fair way to play cricket. That would be like bowling under arm.

The long and short of it (pardon the pun)? I’m scared, I mean what side of the road do they drive on over there? And will there be crashes when our roads merge?

What I’m really looking for is comments on the plus’ and minus’ of having a ‘land mass make out session’ with the Kiwis. Leave your thoughts below.